This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
