How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
