is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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