I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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