Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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