cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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