I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
