the vacuum is drunk
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
23 People Have Step Parents That Are Younger Than Them
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner