if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
