I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
