he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Never let your siblings swipe right.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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