Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
