Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
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While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
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If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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