What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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