Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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