you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
