First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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