Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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