The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
