she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
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It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
My bed is full of blood and feathers
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
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I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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