Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
