I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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