She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
