Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Found the puke drawer
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
