do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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