Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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