i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
