I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
