I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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