Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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