I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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