Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
