I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
