Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
