i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
