Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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