I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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