well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
