And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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