If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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