i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
