I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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