There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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