sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
