Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
