I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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