His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
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If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
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Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake