i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
