Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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