Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
