why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
