even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
