i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
