It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
