Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
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